I have come out at this point (hence the strike thru on the homepage). I have told my parents a few of my siblings (I have 6 so it takes a while) my professional colleagues and most of my friends. People have taken it mostly well but only time will tell for sure.
It has been the journey of my life and has left me feeling like a beautiful lovable and worthy person for the first time. I can look into mirrors and like what I see, I can imagine myself being outgoing and kind in ways I could’ve never imagined.
I started HRT, laser hair removal for my face, and have completely changed my wardrobe as of January of 2023. I ware makeup every day to cover up my facial hair. I go by my name and pronouns in all new relationships and in public. I have started volunteering again, I am making new friends, I am excited about the future and all it holds for me.
Much of this process is absolutely exhausting. Not only do I have a whole bunch of new insecurities that cis women have but I also have a healthy dose of the ones trans women commonly deal with (visa vie le bludge). I am constantly thinking about the particular existential issue of the week that transitioning rips up from my soul and makes me examine. This process is not easy and not pithy.
Furthermore I decided to transition in my relationships while I am transitioning with myself. Many trans people seem to cut and run for a few years while they figure all this stuff out leaving behind old friends and family. I am not. This means I have to continually examine how my transition is being received by those around me making course corrections to try and find the most quasi elegant way of putting this incredibly complex process….and is *exhausting*
Having them in your life is like having cheat codes. Like good lord they are incredibly important to have around you. Especially those who are further down the pipeline than you. They are the reason I am hear and I owe my life to them.
My personal threshold of starting HRT was deciding that I was going to transition. I also had to square that I will probably never pass. I am hot but I have the shoulders of running back with the 6’2 hight to match. No matter how long on HRT and how many surgeries I will likely always be at least clocky which is more then ok! I have some *thoughts* about passing but do recognize that it would make my life significantly easier
This is all to say I am an interesting site when walking around town and people make me feel it. They stare and stare and stare and stare. Liberals stare differently than conservatives but more often than not I’d rather just go completely unnoticed. I guess I have accepted that I never will go unnoticed and that people will always stare
Sometimes I can smile back and I know I have made a connection with a person that might be more readily supporting of me because they saw a trans person in their day-to-day life. Most of the time I feel incredibly othered and out of place.
Fuck them fuck them fuck them
I don’t know if I’ll be able to repair the damage done with my family. I don’t know if I’ll be successful in my career. I don’t know if I will live in places that are accepting of me. I don’t know if my life will be cut short of this truth. I don’t know if I will find love. I don’t know what the future holds. But I am terribly excited for it.
Heres a poem I found from a while ago that I really like:
in somnis veritas
that first breath you take when you know Freedom,
that first step when you see the coming of the Dawn,
that first glimpse at the potential of the Morning,
that first moment of your life is as a Phenix song
it sings in spite of the ratchet straps of old
the spurious ansätze that led to false roots
it sings to Righteous crescendo in omnipotent harmony
sans Doubt to boot.
in somnis veritas, guides towards
ad augusta per angusta,
dreams of narrow roads to the high places
as the old world schleps into avalon
the new zion beacons you Forward
the horizon in that infinitesimal shows that both are equally true
but much like armstrong, gamgee, and tannhäuser
you meekly take a first step towards Deliverance,
the physical, in many ways, is unillustrative of the truth
that the first has within it the Strength of the old days that moved earth and heaven
the equal temper of heroic hearts
renewed in Graceful spite of time and fate
Striving Seeking Finding and Never Yielding